Memphis Sultry Train Chapter 5, Scarlet's Journal

Memphis Sultry Train
Chapter 5
Scarlet’s Journal


    As I sit in my rail car, in the dark, thought’s and feelings circle through my mind and body. I have a husband back in Memphis who doesn’t seem to care if I am present in his life or not. I struggle so very much with my feelings for him. One moment I long to be in his arms again and hope to feel safe. And the next moment I loathe him and fear I would scratch his eyes out if I were near him again. How can a woman have such conflicting feelings about someone she is married to? Why do humans wrestle so with emotions?  Why are emotions not ever consistent and soft and flowing? I long for my feelings towards my husband to be only of love and flow out of me like a clear, beautiful stream of water that calms his thirst. 
I feel as if Hamilton is a stranger to me. I didn’t realize that when we married, but it soon became apparent as the days turned into years and I could never really reach him on an emotional level. I tried so very hard to touch his soul. To reach deep down inside of him and softly embrace him. But the wall he kept so dutifully in place wouldn’t allow me to reach him, or to even see who he really is. And in turn I feel that he has never seen me. So what do I do about all of this? I act like a school girl and jump on my train and run. I let this train sweep me off to another place so that I don’t have to face the rejection and loneliness I feel when I’m around Hamilton. I run so that I don’t lay in bed next to him and silently cry myself to sleep every night. 
There is no real safety here on this train, but somehow as I lay in this darkness trying to sort out my life, I do feel safe. There is a soft, glowing light inside of me that whispers beautiful nothings to me. It’s as if this light is like the wind gently moving through me and telling me that everything is fine and as it should be. I will lay here and revel in it as long as possible, because I know that fear is likely to sneak up on me at any moment and dig it’s ugly claws into me again. The plight of humans is so very mysterious. Love, hate, fear, safety, laughter, sorrow. What is it all for? 
I’ve decided that I shall try and live each emotion to the fullest even if it is a painful emotion. Am I contradicting myself? I’m running from the emotions I feel when around Hamilton yet I want to experience each emotion as deeply as possible. I don’t know. I’ll have to sort through it all as my beautiful train moves me further and further away from him toward California. I don’t fully understand myself yet, but my journey is nothing short of fascinating. I must  dig out my diary and log these thoughts before they disappear into the atmosphere.